Look, Optimum, it’s great

– really kind –

that you thought I’d enjoy faster internet

and decided to provide it to me

(though, I gotta say,

I never realized it.

You never told me

and I never experienced any pickup in speed),

but it seems a lot less great

and a lot less kind

that you charged me so much for it.

See, I’ll repeat,

I never realized you were changing me
since you never told me,

and sure, the info was provided

in my bills

– bills I never bothered to open

because you encourage customers to automatically pay

so that they don’t have to be bothered

to think about just what they’re paying for –

but I never saw the bills.

I never saw the bills

and I never saw the service

and you’re telling me

you’re cutting off the service

– that I never asked for

and never received –

because I haven’t paid the charge

that I had never recognized

in the first place.

But you won’t remove the charges
for the unrequested, unreceived unexperience

because I didn’t report them
months earlier
(since you never told me).

All of this is to say, Optimum,

fuck you very much

for the awful service

and the awful customer service

and the awful awful awful processes.

I hate you

and really wish I didn’t need your service

to tell you

just how much I hate you.

Fuck you again, Optimum,

and fuck you with fervor.
Fuck you entirely

and fuck you roughly

and fuck you with the fury

of a thousand fucking tire fires.

FUCK
YOU.