jonberger

Thanks a lot, Jerry.

I was sitting here
minding my own business
thinking about the world
and its state
and how it’s a shame
that everyone can’t just get along
and I was thinking about the animals
and the plants
and how they have lived successfully
in the earthosphere
for thousands of years.
– numerous thousands –
and I was wondering how
we were ever gonna make it
you know?

I was just sitting here
on this hill
while you guys were smoking
whatever it was you were still smoking
over in the garage.
I was thinking deep thoughts.

I was considering the universe
and it dawned on me:
the solution.
The answer to all the problems
so simple, so elegant
so easily available
to resolve the primary problems
all up in our planet
and I was about to open my eyes,
get up and find a pen
when you came over
with that stupid can of
– what is that, Schlitz, Jerry?
You’re offering me a fucking Schlitz?

And now it’s gone.
I just forgot.
It’s out of my head;
the resolution of all our crises.
I had it
and it’s gone
so thanks, Jerry,
like, a lot.

Thank you
but I think I shall abstain.
I am trying to cut down.
I am seeking some sort of relief.
I am hoping to be a better man.

I appreciate the offer
but I want to get clean.
I need to remove certain stains
from my life.
I have to improve.

It’s kind of you, really,
but it’s time for me to fix things
to escape old troubles
to extricate myself from complexity
and find the things that I love
and treasure them.
It is time for me to clarify
– if only for myself –
what I want
and what I want
is not that.

I do not want what you’re offering.
I cannot have it.
I refuse.
I will not
fine. One more donut.
Whatever.

I hope you’re all right.
I know you’ve got a head on your shoulders
and you generally do
what is best
but I worry sometimes
that you’re not as secure
as I wish you were.

This happens to everyone.
You’ll never become the woman
you’re destined to be
if I don’t let the little girl run free
but if I had to choose between a limited
scared defeated child
and one wiped from the earth
I would take the former.
I would rather see half your glory
than have you stolen from me
completely.

Still
I let you out.
I free you from your leash
and I sit
and I wait
and I wonder
and I worry
that this might be the night
you’ll not come back.

You always have
so far.

I’m pretty sure you still want me
despite what you may think
like you swear you’re gonna stay dry
but you yearn for that last drink.

Come on: light me, ignite me
then party all night, we
two can do anything dark or more brightly.

We are a team like the horse and the rider in polo
Together we’re deadly but what the hell: YOLO
We can get so high, even when solo.
I know you love me although you say no no.

I can see it in your eyes, on your lips, through your glands. You think you’re better off without me; maybe so. And
still you’ll lower to my level like an empty water cup
cuz every time you see me, you get fired up.

Results of our latest campaign
show a three hundred percent increase
I’m Unnecessary Sales
the largest component on our ongoing successful initiative.

So get happy!!!
We’re going great.
Our profits will rise until Quarter Eight.
Investors’ returns are simply first rate.
At the next board review, we’ll all devastate.

But this
is no time for slacking.
We need to maintain momentum
on this campaign, of course,
to encourage more people
to buy into Unnecessary Purchases.
The more invested they are
in that division
the more invested they will be
in our legacy.

I regret to admit
that the deadline will be missed
and I will be unable to receive
full credit for the course.
I am sorry to have disappointed you
and my family.
Please forgive my trespasses
and allow me a chance
to repair my reputation.
Thank you in advance
for any dispensation you may offer.

I wasn’t prepared for that call.
I thought we were just chatting
Not having that sort of a conversation.
I’m happy for you – I am!
I’m glad you’ve turned your life around,
found a new place to live it.
I’m excited for your future.
I just… wasn’t expecting this.

Are you sure
that this isn’t an April Fools’ thing?
I mean,
it was a little late
but, are you sure?

Don’t have the baby.
Please. It will be a serious mistake
if you do it
Don’t.
Just don’t.

No, of course.
I’m joking, naturally.
Sorry, it’s just
like I said
I wasn’t expecting this.

And if you look at Figure Two
you’ll see that this year’s model
for efficient acquisitions
involves rapine, pillage,
and just a little touch of murder
– metaphorically speaking.

We will use all the resources
at disposal
to dispose of opposing forces
and bring them in line
with our own aims.
We may be able to find partners
in the husks of our enemies.

Please review your Sun-Tzu
for appropriate reference
as to how to defeat competing products
as well as oppositions factions
within the MacManus Group.

Good fortune, then,
and good hunting.

The question raised by Corporate
is a simple one
and a challenge to our ingenuity:
Can we build a better toothpaste?
We have research
and technology
and the incentive to profitize
this important aspect of most American mornings
and many an evening as well.

But the job with which
we’ve been tasked,
are we up to it?
Can we find ways
to improve on existing brands
increase market share
for our theoretical upstart perfect polish?

Look at the competition
stalwarts all:
My Aim is true
My Crest is blue
Sensodyne exists for the cruelly cut
and Colgate tops the column, but
there may be a way
we can beat them all.

The rewards are huge
if we dig up some dirt
on the existing products
and sway the public trust.

We have to try
to rise above the rest
to pass the tests
to be the best
lest our bonuses wither
and our jobs be lost.

Ineffable? Miraculous?
How nice of you to think so.

Was God in the needle
in the bullet
in the noose?
Was there a decision
involved in poisoning that river?
What greater power
chose the time and place of earthquakes.

I do not accept a greater being
who could be so petty,
so cruel.
If there is a thing
wondrous enough to create
all that we are
than how could it be so crappy
at the follow through?

What good is free will
if something opts to fuck with it
and us
at every opportunity?
How could a almighty entity
be such an asshole?

I defy it.
I deny that God.
I would rather the universe
be awful and accidental
than accept that someone has willed
all this shit into existence.