jonberger

When you break the spine
of a thing
it is quite difficult to return
to its former shape or resilience.

When you’ve destroyed something
it is hard for her to bounce back
with any alacrity.
It may reform
rejuvenate, restructure into something
resembling its original identity
but it will be just a resemblance.
The likelihood
of it returning to former glory
is small indeed.

When you take away some thing’s
hopes and dreams
don’t just sit back awaiting a thank you
as someone once said
(or something like it).

In any case
be aware
that when you break your toys
even when repaired
they might be the same toy
originally broken.

Sorry, sorry.
I don’t seem to have the concentration
for this
today.
Maybe I lack the focus
for any day
anymore.
Maybe
I no longer have any concentration left
at all.

Maybe I have lost,
in these years of tweets
and Twinkies
and twats on display
in most every way,
maybe I hid my concentration somewhere
but without concentration
I don’t have the means
to dig it up again.
What was I talking about?
Right!

I used to play this game
with cards
where I needed to uncover
where the same numbers
or face cards were.
It required a certain amount of memorization
and after a while
I got quite good at it.
You remember the game?
It had a name
that I can’t seem to recall.
Damn, if I only had my
my what?
Oh. Of course.

Anyway
sorry I’m being so spazzy.
It’s just been a long day
and week
and month.
No, I can’t really tell you with what.
I’m trying to put my finger on
why everything seems so difficult,
but it’s just so hard.
Why do you ask?

It’s getting to be the time
when I should maybe admit I have a problem
and then possibly get some help
dealing with it.

It’s just that, sometimes
I get nervous
and I need a little help
from some friends
to get by.
It leaves me
occasionally
out of sorts
and doing things
I wouldn’t normally do.

So while I don’t necessarily remember
all the things I might have done
that could have offended you
I offer a partial list
of potential apologies
while I’m pondering options.

I shouldn’t have made you
climb down that mountaintop
in the dark.
I can’t believe I forgot you came with me.

When I came by the other day
and your mom said you couldn’t come out to play
and I asked if she could play with me instead
and maybe my balls?
I’m sorry for that, too.

That bong I made you in Ceramics?
Probably shouldn’t have etched on the front “Bong.”
That was a dead giveaway.

So
I’m trying to clean up my act
and drop a couple of the friends
I’ve picked up along the way.
Maybe you can help me
in the process of making some new ones?

You ever look at the river?
I mean really look at the river?
I hadn’t
or I don’t think I had
before tonight.
It shimmers so.
It looks… wise.

It’s funny
isn’t it
how one night
through just the right set of circumstances
you can see everything
so differently?

Like,
if I hadn’t stopped by tonight
out of the blue
enjoying a dozen of your delectable edibles
then accepted your sweet offer to lie here
by the water
I’d never have come to this revelation.
It’s made me reevaluate everything

like how you CAN step in the same river twice
if you just
take a breath
and recognize your prior visit.
Simply address the river
and it shall know you
and all will be well.

Or how “Moon River,”
the song?
doesn’t need a Hepburn to sing it
to be poignant.
Anyone can sing it
and it’ll be just as sweet.

Also, Alphonso Ribeiro
probably wasn’t born by the river
in a little tent
and River Phoenix probably would be alive today
if he had the name Samuel Stone.
River’s a funny word
isn’t it?
River.
Rii VER…

Oh, this is a lake?
My bad.

When I awoke
I was no longer in the jungle
outpacing the pachyderms
pounding along my way.
I was, nonetheless,
out of breath
from my efforts to escape
those magnificent monsters
chasing me up and down
the causeways of the forest.

It had been hard running
through kaleidoscopic eyes
all staring as I passed them by.
Their lasers were light
and hurt not at all
but the sweat pooling at my back,
was that from the heat
of their glares
or the height of my scares?

What made Jonny run
through this vision of elephantine night?
What left me thinking of such things
until I screamed at morning’s light?
What sort of sails
brought me to all these elephants only white?
And how do I stop these curious dreams;
just kill them dead and end my plight?

I could sleep at a better hour.
I could stop reading about the GOP.
I could have one less half cooked burrito
before bed.
Yeah, I should probably be able to survive
on just the three.

I think I need a brain wash,
a chance to clear my head,
to get clean and think free.
I need some kind of mental enema
to fix whatever’s been going wrong
and set me on a better path.

I’ve been circling the drain
cycling through pain
searching for my mainline
receiving a pipeline of toxins
tending to total my equanimity.
I need to uncover my own anonymity
and hide from myself.

If I could just wipe away my past,
my memory,
my identity
and become something fresh and good,
that would be wonderful.
That would be wondrously wicked.
That would be ideal.

I have to have
some way
to kill me
in order to save me.
You get me?

I need a brain wash
or – shit.
Have I already had one?

Ouch.
Fucking ouch!
I am not good with needles.
Sorry. I mean to say
“I am not good with you
sticking those things into my arm
so insensitively and frequently.”

When I started giving blood,
my veins were perfect
and every few weeks
some seeming professional
was able to eke out some of the lifestuff
from my system
as I donated to the Red Cross.

I’ve gotten out of practice giving
but you need a lot of practice taking.
You’re not very good at inserting the needle
is what I’m saying.
Could you find some experienced staff
to help us out?

Really? How?
How is it
that you’re the manager of this place?
Is there a way
maybe you could authorize
sticking yourself instead?

Forgive me
for not sweeping up
the cups you broke
when you stumbled in
quiet as a moose
well past midnight.
I left it for you
to deal with today.
While you clean
let us speak
about what happened last night.

I was too tired to talk yesterday
and it didn’t seem to make much sense
to yell at you
for possibly waking the neighbors
but you were obviously on something
and it clearly impacted your behavior.

I don’t want to judge
but you’re making it so hard not to
as you shatter gifts made for me
years ago by appreciative campers.
I don’t want to scream at you
but damn! Your behavior
can be so immature.

Why would you do such dangerous substances
outside of the house
where anything can happen to you?
How could you be so rude
and irresponsible
on a school night?
Where did you find such expensive drugs to take
and how expensive were they
and why won’t you share?

Keep sweeping
and gimme whatever you’ve got left.

His room-mates found him
probably days after.
He was in his room
but they were used to him
being MIA for longer than that.
It was the smell
that finally tipped them off.

The funeral was well attended.
He had many a friend
all too happy to help send him off
in fine style.
He had had smiles for everyone
when he was around
and now in his absence
those smiles he’d given had been turned around.

His family had been in touch
but not aware of the sort of things
he’d gotten into
these last few years.
They were pleased that he had been so popular
but wished that more attendants
had come in suits
(they wished their son was alive, too,
but that seemed harder to imagine).

After the services
was a party or sorts
where everyone drank
and smoked
and swallowed food
and pills, presenting pain
to one another.

It was a shame
he was gone.
There won’t be another like him
for some time.

I’m so glad to hear that you’re not dying
but I will not lend you
any more of my donuts
because at some time in the future
you MAY be dying
and I cannot take the risk
that my donut loans
will go unpaid.

How I ever became
your regular source for donuts
is beyond me
as I tend to only buy enough for my needs,
prodigious as they may be.

I have no interest in being your donut dealer, either.
I do not wish to enter
into a regular donut sales relationship with you.
These are my donuts
and I no longer choose to share.

Now I’m sorry that you’re jonesing for my supply
but if you want a donut so much, why
won’t you go to the store and offer to buy?
Is there a compelling reason that I
must ensure that the flow doesn’t go dry?

Oh!
It’s sweet that you think that I “buy them better.”
That’s nice.
That almost makes me want to –
No.
Get your own
unless you’d gladly give me three
for one donut today.