jonberger

She is coming to hate her body
the body exceptional that has been praised so often by so many.
She is coming to hate the ears
through which she hears the random compliments
and propositions
on what seems a momentary basis.

She feels their stares.
She sees their approaches.
She smells the passion coming off of all those around her
and she wishes she had distance
from the beauty that is coveted
by her peers
and enemies
– and there are so many enemies.

She wants to have nothing to do
with her blessed traits
desires an absence of desire
and knows
that eventually
she will have her way.
She wonders if she will regret it
but then
she already has
so very many regrets.

I’m beginning to hate my body
for its weakness
and what it does to me
when you’re around.

My feet,
they dance only to your beat.
My elbows fumble and bump,
awkward and embarrassing
when they sense your presence.
My irises follow you
satellites circling the gravity
of your hotness.
It’s like I can’t see anything
outside of twelve inches
away from your frame.

I am ashamed
how addicted my chemistry has become
to your biology.
I am dependent on your reactions
for on-going health
and
I wish it were not so.

I loathe what I have become
because of you
and would tell you so
if my lips and tongue and teeth
could only do what I want of them
instead of seeking only
to serve you.

You think you know
how it’s gonna go
but it’s different.
I’m turning over a new leaf.
I swear!
Things are changing:
I’m not easy tonight.

Its true!
But you
believe a single solitary look
into your eyes,
a lick of your lips
a soft caress
or a hand gesture or four,
and I’ll do what you want
just like it’s happened a hundred times before.
A hundred?
God, I’m so easy-
but not tonight!
The worm has turned.
Tonight, I’m not easy.

I am something different.
I am not yours to command.
I have changed
and you’ll see it
for I am waiting for you
to come to me
so you can see
just how uneasy I can be.

You loved me
a lot less than I loved you
which was painful to accept
in the moment
but easier
as time passed.

It was a horse pill
I could barely swallow
but maybe I’ve more used
to bigger
less palatable nuggets.
Maybe other things
have been been slid down my throat
since then
and I now can take in
that knowledge
and accept it
as the way of things.

And maybe it wasn’t so bad,
Maybe
the fact that my heart
was more open
shows that I had more capacity
greater absorption.
Maybe I was more observant
to be able to find the good in you
– the glory of you –
in a way
you could never reciprocate.

Maybe it’s because I sucked.

But I’m better now
and I appreciate more
and I can see
how only a fool
would run from his love
because it was disproportionate.
I should have loved you more
with the realization
instead of less
and I should have stayed
until you told me to go.

I was wrong
to have got gone
and I’m sorry for what I did
and though I’m disappointed,
I’m not surprised
to see how well you took it

How do you learn patience, she asked
and I stood there, surfing all my stories,
seeking some sort of sensible response.
Carefully, I stated, I do not know.

I do not know how to quell those hungers within,
how to sate the beasts of need
how to resolve those questions that take time
and temper
and turn after turn of the clock
to get them to stop plaguing you.
I have search for patience for a long time
– fifty seconds, even –
and come up short.

I can’t help you find patience,
I said, opening my eyes
to find her long gone
searching for help from other sources.
It’s just as well, I thought.
The worst place to look for patience
is an emergency room.

On Wed, Nov 6, 2013 at 6:05 PM, Jonathan Berger <juanburguesa> wrote:

How do you learn patience, she asked
and I stood there, surfing all my stories,
seeking some sort of sensible response.
Carefully, I said, I do not know.

You know
when you cut me off just there?
I was saying something pretty important.
I was in the middle of
what could’ve been a life-changing commentary
on the state of Wikipedia
but – you know?
Forget it.
Never mind…

It’s just…
You’re rude.
You’re always like that;
insensitive.
It’s… like,
it’s not rocket scientry, see?
Be polite.
Be nice.
If you’re kind,
I’ll fuck you.
For real.

Just… Come on.
All it takes is a little respect
and i put out.
All you need to do
Is not be such an asshole all the fucking time.
Think you can try it?

If you’re nice,
I’ll sleep with you.
Or we could go the other way, too.

I heard about you
was told tales of your eventual fate
so long after
I exited your story.

I got information that you neglected to provide.
I had my people talk to people
who knew your people
and I got prepped on your history.

I heard you got married.
I heard you got ill.
I heard your lost family
and left the state
and that your Hawaiian shirts got as far as India
or Indiana
or Inferior Decorator School
before crapping out
laying down
setting camp
and starting over.

I heard so much
so many versions
with untold variables
including how you never forgave me
or had something to give me
or bought us parallel gravesites.

I don’t know what is true.
I don’t know what is real.
I don’t know what to believe
but I do know what I heard
and I know
I will never stop listening.

It is…
good
to see you
and surprising.
After the events of December 12,
I did not think I’d hear from you again
and for a while
that was true.
But all streaks get broken eventually, don’t they?

It’s been some time,
hasn’t it?
You look,
well, amazing.
There’s no other word for it.
I could look at you like this
for as long as there is.

But it’s wet out
and far from anything
and it’s clear you have something to say.
You didn’t just “stop by,”
not up here.
We are not as done as I had hoped.

You came a long fucking way
to this lousy neighborhood
to do something
though honestly, I don’t know what.

Well?
Come inside,
please.
It is cold
and I think we both know
that I could never turn you away.

I was mistaken,
the way I was pursuing you:
relentlessly
overtly
explosively.
It was wrong
and it was rude
but you had something
I thought I needed to know.
If I just could have one night with you
I swore, it would be enough
and we need never speak of it again.

I figured afterwards
I’d lose interest
and you did too, I assume.
Why else would you have brought me
to that special place
and given me that secret taste?

But I was wrong
so ridiculously wrong.
The taste your provided
did not quench my thirst for you
– far from it.
It got me started down this further addiction
and I can imagine no life
without pursuing you.

You gave me that first chip
and now
we both know
I cannot stop.

Your doe eyes
Your horse heels
Your ponytail
Your gorgeous calves
and unbearable beauty…

The way you eagle-eye spied me
from a distance,
wolf whistled,
snaked forward toward me
dogging my steps
badgering me with your long hare and healthy talons,
you foxy lady…

And then dropped me,
you cold blooded bitch,
you cow, you old bat,
you dropped me like an albatross
then rabbited off,
well, that was something to crow about.

I miss you still, deer,
think back on your wild ass,
your beaver
and my… well,
I remember our mornings before roosters
with an elephant’s memory.

But I remember also
all your lion.
You were a cheetah
and, I know I’m better off
but if I could claw my way back into your life,
I would swallow every last bit
of your monkey business.