jonberger

The oldies station in Western Mass
is different than in NYC.
When spinning the dial
I heard a “Kansas City”
that had no “Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah”s
which caused a shock
with their absence.

This was an older oldies experience
which is what I sought in ancient music,
a time before mine,
an educational tool,
a trail into something new
(that was something really old).

Massachusetts brought me there.
Of course, this was a long time ago.
The station is probably playing eighties jams now
– if they even exist.

There are times when you do not see the bad logic except in the rear mirror.

I first tried sushi
in a desert.

I was in Las Vegas
at a buffet
and it was there
that I thought it was best
to experiment with a new kind of food
so I picked up a random piece of sushi
sitting under the lights
who knows how long.

It tasted all right.

It is important to say
that I didn’t die after my first taste of sushi
– but I could have.
There were no adverse reactions at all,
in fact,
but what an unwise state of affairs.

I’m glad I wasn’t turned off to the whole experience
because then I wouldn’t have gone
to all the All You Can Eat sushi buffets afterward
and subsequently enjoyed all of their bathrooms
for such extended amounts of time!

I want to show you
the special magic
of staying with it
til the job is done
but if you don’t have it in you
I don’t see how I’m going to be able to convince you.

Quitters gonna quit
and I can’t make a leopard change its spots
if it doesn’t believe it can.

You change your mind,
you know where to find me.

It is sobering, tonight,
walking in this strange town
where nobody knows my name
and realizing
if I disappear from here
it will take days 
for anyone to recognize
that I am gone.

No one expects to hear from me
until I get back to town
and by then
my trail would have gone cold
if anything were to have mysteriously happened.

The manhunt would have little to go on
if anybody cared to hunt for this man.
But who would go to the effort?
Who would bother looking?
Who would know to send out the hounds?
Who would set the reward?
Who would see the value in a reward?
Who would see the value in me?

There is something about the monsters
that are smaller than humans.
The creatures that frighten us
not by size
not with strength
but with some other factor
that brings the terror
in some subtler way.

The monsters like microbes.
The monsters like gay panic.
The monsters like rats.

Creatures like these destroy so easily.
This is how muppets got their start:
tiny monsters doing their best to horrify.

Lucy Sante after reading from her recent memoir
explained that she wasn’t ready to transition
until she was sixty six
partially because she was ignorant of the possibility,
partially because she was in denial,
and partially because there were things she wanted to do.

“When you transition,” Sante said,
“that becomes who you are. It’s your job,
your identity.
I had other things to do.”

Now, while Sante explores being a woman,
she is also exploring the full-time job
of being in transition
publicly.

It’s a brave identity to take on.
It’s damned brave.

When I first discovered you, Lovely, you were all that my head could contain
but as our months have soldiered on I’ve found other things in my brain.
Though it’s true that you fill me with wonder and I swear I still think that you’re great,
I can’t deny a grocer’s caught my eye and I’d love to show her a date.

Lovely, I swear on my cross-ed heart, you’ve never been out of my mind,
but now I see someone who cannot be outdone, and the old me is now undefined.
I swore I’d adore you forever back when younger passions ran hot. I thought I would be less deceitful than that; I’m so saddened to see that I’m not.

Oh, my dear: my heart was untrue. When push came to shove, I failed to love you.

Oh, Lovely, after all of my promises, I know what you must think of me.
But looks can sometimes be deceiving, so you needn’t believe what you see.
Yes, I’m betraying the oaths that I swore, or so it apparently seems.
But just hear me out: what if this here right now was in fact one of those stomachache dreams?

Perhaps I’m not really leaving you and maybe you’re really asleep.
So just stay real still and go swallow this pill while I leave without another peep.
But of course this has actually happened and I’ve taken all of my stuff
plus a whole lot of yours – yours was better, of course – no one said that breakups weren’t rough.

Oh, sweet Lovely: I’m so sorry dear. I hope you get over this; maybe next year.

Out there with your friends playing in the park
knowing things might be getting crazy after dark. 
No one’s there to catch you when no one there can see
but sooner or later you will have to pay the fee. 

Even if you find you can escape into the night 
by the morning you’ll discover your tracks visible in light. 
The clues to all your actions will lead direct to you
and the sun will make quite visible everything you do. 

Big sun rays are gonna come your way. 
If you see ‘em, just know they’re gonna have their say. 
The big sun rays are really gonna sing. 
Eventually they’ll shine on everything. 

You think your alibis will keep you free from blame. 
You’re in no way at all unique. Everyone’s the same 
in thinking they’ll escape into a fog of amnesty
but nobody can dare to ride the Wheel of Life for free. 

You know what’s inside you, but so will the nation. 
The news will soon be known by me as well as everyone. 
You may try to hide your crimes where the stars won’t shine,
but the big sun rays will find them every time. 

The big sun rays are coming down your way. 
When you see ‘em, know they’re gonna have their say. 
The big sun rays are really gonna pierce. 
When they hit you, you’ll feel somethin’ fierce!

When I finally begin the painful process 
of removing that which is unnecessary from my life
here is a partial list of what is going to go.

Be on warning, all of you below:

XXXL clothing.
Magazines that I haven’t read from fifteen years ago.
Peanut butter.
Sheets from a twin bed when I sleep on a queen.
The empty bookshelf that I keep “just in case.”
Canned goods from fifteen years ago.
The drawer of pictures from my great-aunt that I keep thinking I’ll be able to identify.
I don’t know how more time is going to be able to make me
more familiar with the faces of these people I never met.
Your old paintings.
Electronic goods I haven’t used from fifteen years ago.
The old medicines that I hope might actually be party drugs
(mostly seem to be stool softeners.
Should give them a last look before tossing).
Grandpa’s ashes, which never seemed to make it to the old country.
Ice cream cake.
Yesterday. 

Word on the street
is that you’re experiencing technical difficulties. 
I would like to be able to help you
with your problems
but I am also experiencing technical difficulties. 
It appears the whole world 
is experiencing technical difficulties.
In this we are one. 

Can we take a moment
to appreciate 
the solemnity of that experience?
Share in our universal commonality?

Now, does it seem 
that your web searches
do not provide you the precise responses
you seek because of vague questioning?

Yeah, it it will do that.