Dear Terry Pratchett,
Thank you for all
the writing you’ve done for me
– and the rest of the world as well,
and ways with a phrase
are renowned and appreciated
I can tell you that.
You’ve given so much
and I worship at the feet of your words
– I do – but
I am afraid
that I need something more.
I would be very particularly gratified
if you could send a note
to my girl.
My former girl.
My girl- to-be.
One of those, I guess.
She’s always loved your writing
and the collaborations you’ve had with others
and she respects your stories
even more than I do,
She adores you, really,
can’t stop talking about you,
and if you could write to her
and tell her to stop talking about you
and maybe give me the time of day,
well, that would just mean the world.
She is just so focused on not-me,
and I really need her to pivot a bit
and send more attention my way.
I’m sure a word from you
will do the job
particularly if attached to a first edition
of a rare volume of yours.
Thanks in advance for supplying the book,
by the way.
Now, I understand
that you’re currently deceased,
which is why I truly appreciate
very very much
you getting around to this
at your earliest convenience.
Thank you so much
for your time, really.