Author Archives: Jonathan Berger

Don’t fuck my wife. Be a pal. Leave her alone. It’s not cool fucking a guy’s wife without his permission. Yes, I KNOW you have hers. I’m choosing to disregard that fact and will ask you again – nay. I … Continue reading →

It’ll be much easier now. After this nothing else will seem so dangerous or threatening or bad. From this day on as you look on any challenge you will be able to snort and laugh and realize no matter how … Continue reading →

You have two and a half hours to do what you swore you’d do a month ago. You have failed to keep your word and are struggling now to correct your prior mistakes. You are late. It is lamentable how … Continue reading →

Let’s say Thursday, shall we?That’ll be the day you make it up to me. Thursday will be when you seek absolution for the things you did – you know what they were. Thursday is when you’ll make it right make … Continue reading →

Where are you, Spring, you deceitful bitch you slut, you mouse in the shadows? Where are you hiding? Where are you staying away from me away from those that miss you so? I need you, Spring. I need you close … Continue reading →

I ruin everything I touch. I just received a lovely gift from a lovely girl and now it’s gone. I got it seven minutes ago and already it’s squandered. I am the worst. I lost the flag. I lost it. … Continue reading →

Before I begin this piece a little bit of context: this is not going to be one of those navel-gazing mumblecore ‘poems’ about girls and what they do to me – or what they don’t. This isn’t another one of … Continue reading →

I. Please allow me introduce myself: I’m Satan! II. Please allow me introduce myself, I’m Satan and I do bad things. It’s the way I am. Sorry. III. Hey, yo! I’m Satan. I got something to say: I’m gonna do … Continue reading →